Help For Sex Addiction

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A Definition of Sex Addiction

An addiction is behavior a person cannot control that leads to detrimental consequences.

Behavior:
The behavior could be related to substances, such as: alcohol, drugs or food.
Or it could be activity-related, involving, for example: sex, sleep, exercise, or work.
Addictions like smoking, drug abuse or alcoholism must be stopped completely to be overcome.
Other addictions should be controlled rather than stopped. For instance, overeating is handled by controlling one's eating - not by starvation.

One does not truly overcome a sexual addiction by resorting to celibacy.

Sexual addiction is overcome by dealing with the underlying problems that lead to addictive sexual behavior, thus enabling the client to have an enjoyable rather than an addictive sex life.

Detrimental or not?:

If a person engages in compulsive behavior which is not detrimental, the behavior is not addictive. For instance, if you must have something to read while waiting in the doctor's office, that is not addictive. But if you compulsively read rather than face the problems in your life, you are addicted to reading.

If you enjoy sex, it does not mean you're addicted. If, however, your sexual activity hinders your relationships, keeps you from forming a long-term, honest, loving relationship, or compels you to be deceptive, you are definitely addicted.

In control, yes or no?

You can tell if your behavior is out of control by observing if you can keep it from becoming detrimental.
Eating is not detrimental and should be enjoyable. But if you cannot stop eating before it becomes a negative force in your life, then you are out of control.
Having an intense sexual appetite is not addictive. If satisfying your sexual needs brings you and your partner closer together, then you're not addicted.
If your sexual needs lead you to promiscuity, distant relationships, pedophilia, short-term flings, compulsive masturbation or a dependency on pornography, you're out of control.

Special traits of sexual addiction

Sexually addictive behavior is not a matter of how many times you have sex. If you have sex 5 times a day it does not necessarily mean you are addicted.
Sex is about relationships. If the relationship between you and your partner is meaningful and monogamous and you both have the time, energy, and desire to have sex 5 times a day, you are engaging in enjoyable sex.

On the other hand, if you have sex only once a month but it is with a prostitute, you are addicted because the sex is meaningless and impersonal, thus detrimental to you.

Sexual addiction is driven by what a person wants from relationships. Does the person want a relationship based on intimacy, openness and commitment? Or do they want to experience a series of sensations without commitment?

Sexual addiction is overcome not just by addressing the behavior. What the person seeks in a relationship is actually more important than the behavior.

Sexually addicted people do not have a sexual problem. They have a relationship problem that manifests itself sexually.

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Articles in this category

Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1 | Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2 | The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Best Sex And Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Joy Of Overcoming Sex Addiction | An Overview of Sex Addiction | The Complexities of Sexual Addiction | Types of sex addiction | Sexual Addiction and Self Deception | Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues | A Definition of Sex Addiction | Why Positive Realism Succeeds | Ethical Standards Of Counseling | Errors In The 12-Step Approach | Celibacy Is A Mistake |

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher, except that portions may be used in broadcast or printed commentary or review when fully attributed to the author and publication by names.
Although all events described in the book are factual, the actual characters described herein are composites of actual clients of the author. The composite character has been created and designed to protect the actual client's identity. Any similarity to a single individual, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the publisher and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.
This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.