In order to get the knowledge you need to overcome sex addiction, you will either:

• Figure it on your own, using this book as your guide, or

• Ask someone to help you.

Since you have a better chance of success by finding qualified help, let's discuss what to look for in an advisor. But first let me warn you: If you don't find an advisor who meets the requirements, you're better off going it alone.

Here's what happens when you rely on an unqualified advisor:

• Your probability of failure is just about certain.

• You will probably give up all hope of overcoming your addiction because the experience of failure will be so painful.

• If you and your partner are trying to save your relationship, it will probably worsen.

• You will probably leave the counseling thinking there is something very wrong with you, when in fact you were being advised by an incompetent.

To help you in your search for a good advisor, I've prepared a nine-question common-sense guide.

Call as many potential advisors as you think necessary. Then bring the questions with you. Or fax them over before your first appointment.

If you decide to use my approach, your best options are:

• Rely only on qualified help as described below.

• Or do it on your own.

Here's the guide:

1. Have you overcome a sexual addiction?

   This is the first and most obvious question. If the counselor does not say "Yes," assume he or she is unqualified.

2. Do you think I am sexually addicted?

   The conventional, licensed therapist that Felix and Sofia went to said that Felix's masturbation/pornography use was normal. The therapist also said that Sofia wasn't open-minded enough.

   So, Felix continued on with his addictive behavior and treated Sofia as if she was the problem. Sofia finally told him, "I don't care what the therapist says. If you don't stop the pornography, I'm divorcing you."

   Helping them save their marriage was extremely difficult. Things would not have been as stressful if Felix had been correctly advised in the first place.

3. Do you provide marriage/couple counseling?

   Since I'm a sex addiction counselor, you might think I spend most of my day talking about sex. I don't. I spend most of my time helping people build good relationships. In order to overcome sex addiction, you need to deal with your relationship and reality issues first.

   Don't waste your time or money with any potential advisor who does not successfully deal with marriage/couple issues.

4. Do you successfully help people overcome other addictions?

   Many sexually addicted people are multiply addicted. A sex addiction advisor should be able to help you successfully deal with other addictions as well, so that they don't get in your way of overcoming sex addiction.

5. Do you recommend that I also attend Twelve Step meetings?

   If a potential advisor even hints at sending you to Twelve Step meetings, I suggest you look for a different advisor. Becoming dependent on a group or expecting a Higher Power to solve your problems for you is not the way to deal with sex addiction.

6. Do you recommend psychological medications?

   A conventional, licensed therapist who advises psychological medication is basically telling you, "I'm not qualified to work with the mind in its natural state. So I want you to chemically alter yours. Don't worry. This little pill will give you self-respect, confidence, happiness, self-control, and take all your problems away."

7. Do you spend years analyzing the childhood?

   Your problems occur in the here and now. Counselors who focus on the past are not equipped to help you deal with the present.

8. Do you have an excellent long-term romantic relationship?

   Some people might think this question is biased. It's not. It's common sense. Sex addiction is a symptom of problems with intimacy. A good sex addiction counselor should have his or her own long-term, monogamous, honest, romantic relationship.

   Let me put it to you this way: If a sex addiction counselor is not in a wonderful relationship, ask yourself this question: What does the counselor do for sex? One night stands? Masturbation and pornography? Is s/he celibate? Does the counselor go from one failed relationship to another?

   When you seek help for a sexual problem, you are entrusting your most personal feelings to that advisor. Make sure they themselves have achieved what you're striving for. Nothing less will do.

9. Do you use pornography or engage in any form of sexually addictive behavior?

   There are sex addiction counselors who use porn on a regular basis. They do not believe that they have a problem. Hopefully you realize these people are fooling themselves. Don't let them fool you. Make sure you ask this question.

These questions are not easy. They're not supposed to be. They're designed to protect you. A good sex addiction counselor will welcome them.

Overcoming sex addiction begins with honesty. If you honestly believe these questions make sense and will help you, then it's in your best interest to ask them.

To save you time and me from being swamped with faxes, I will give you my answers to the nine questions.

1. Have you overcome a sexual addiction?

   Yes, in 1982, with the same approach I teach all my clients.

2. Do you think I am sexually addicted?

   The interviews in the Table of Contents will enable you to come to that decision yourself.

3. Do you provide marriage/couple counseling?

   Dear Joe,
   
   I was at the end of my rope struggling between a man that I loved dearly and his addiction that I didn't understand, but more importantly could not help him with.
   
   I thought the only way out was divorce, as he had tried many times to control it but just couldn't, even though he had tried medical professionals, support groups, and the 12-step program.
   
   One night, after a binge, he discovered your web-site. He placed a call to you and we began to get our lives back together. I must say that I was skeptical at first but had no other alternatives that I could offer. So we began our journey.
   
   Less than one year later we are closer than ever and have you to thank. I feel that I now have my husband for the first time since we were married 12 years ago.
   
   We will forever be in debt to you and words can not express how grateful we are for your help.
   
   Sue
   
   (Real name withheld)
   
   

   Helping people take a troubled relationship and turn it into a healthy, loving marriage is one of the greatest pleasures of my work.

4. Do you successfully help people overcome other addictions?

   Dear Joe,
   
   Your counseling saved my life. As you well know, when I first started working with you, my life was a shambles. I was depressed and suicidal. My fiancee had left me because of my multiple addictions and my inability to cope with my feelings, especially my anger. I was also close to financial ruin and on the verge of losing my job.
   
   You patiently and methodically helped me to put my broken life back together, piece by piece. I got out of thousands of dollars of credit card debt. I was able to hang onto my job and even win a modest increase in salary. More importantly, I successfully overcame my out-of-control spending, marijuana, nicotine and junk-food addictions.
   
   And I am now happy to report that I am taking steps to pursue a healthy romantic relationship.
   
   Joe, I can't thank you enough for all your help.
   
   Walter
   
   (Real name withheld)

   Yes. I started out helping people overcome smoking, alcohol, drugs, and overeating. I have also helped people stop gambling, compulsive spending, and overworking.

5. Do you recommend that I also attend Twelve Step meetings?

   No. I believe the best way to overcome addiction is by relying on yourself.

6. Do you recommend psychological medications?

   I will help you work with your mind in its natural state. Chemically altering your mind through medication smothers feelings and can turn you into a legalized drug addict. Addiction is overcome by facing feelings, not smothering them.

7. Do you spend years analyzing the childhood?

   The problem is in the here and now. The goal is to help you overcome addiction today, not figure out your past.

8. Do you have an excellent long-term romantic relationship?

   My wife and I have been together since 1977. We have a wonderful marriage. When I discovered I was sexually addicted, I told her. She didn't have to ask. As soon as I knew, she knew. I asked her to stay with me until I could overcome it.

   One reason I have been able to help so many people is that I came out of my struggle successfully and happily.

9. Do you use pornography or engage in any form of sexually addictive behavior?

   No way. Being in control and having the joys of monogamous, committed, loving sex are much too important to me.

Now let's talk about why people become addicted.

Copyright Joe Zychik 1999-2008. Attn. Webmasters, students and researchers and everyone else: Please obey fair use laws. Thank you.