The Most Personal Addiction

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How To Find Competent Help To Overcome Sex Addiction

Chapter 10

If the counselor refuses to answer your questions, or gives unacceptable answers, beware.

In order to get the knowledge you need to overcome sex addiction, you will either:

-Figure it on your own, using this book as your guide, or

-Ask someone to help you.

Since you have a better chance of success by finding qualified help, let's discuss what to look for in an advisor. But first let me warn you: If you don't find an advisor who meets the requirements, you're better off going it alone.

Here's what happens when you rely on an unqualified advisor:

 -Your probability of failure is just about certain.

-You will probably give up all hope of overcoming your addiction because the experience of failure will be so painful.

-If you and your partner are trying to save your relationship, it will probably worsen.

-You will probably leave the counseling thinking there is something very wrong with you, when in fact you were being advised by an incompetent.

To help you in your search for a good advisor, I've prepared a nine-question common-sense guide.

Call as many potential advisors as you think necessary. Then bring the questions with you. Or fax them over before your first appointment.

If you decide to use my approach, your best options are:

-Rely only on qualified help as described below.

-Or do it on your own.

Here's the guide:

-Have you overcome a sexual addiction?

This is the first and most obvious question. If the counselor does not say "Yes," assume he or she is unqualified.

-Do you think I am sexually addicted?

The conventional, licensed therapist that Felix and Sofia went to said that Felix's masturbation/pornography use was normal. The therapist also said that Sofia wasn't open-minded enough.

So, Felix continued on with his addictive behavior and treated Sofia as if she was the problem. Sofia finally told him, "I don't care what the therapist says. If you don't stop the pornography, I'm divorcing you."

Helping them save their marriage was extremely difficult. Things would not have been as stressful if Felix had been correctly advised in the first place.

-Do you provide marriage/couple counseling?

Since I'm a sex addiction counselor, you might think I spend most of my day talking about sex. I don't. I spend most of my time helping people build good relationships. In order to overcome sex addiction, you need to deal with your relationship and reality issues first.

Don't waste your time or money with any potential advisor who does not successfully deal with marriage/couple issues.

-Do you successfully help people overcome other addictions?

Many sexually addicted people are multiply addicted. A sex addiction advisor should be able to help you successfully deal with other addictions as well, so that they don't get in your way of overcoming sex addiction.

-Do you recommend that I also attend Twelve Step meetings?

If a potential advisor even hints at sending you to Twelve Step meetings, I suggest you look for a different advisor. Becoming dependent on a group or expecting a Higher Power to solve your problems for you is not the way to deal with sex addiction.

-Do you recommend psychological medications?

A conventional, licensed therapist who advises psychological medication is basically telling you, "I'm not qualified to work with the mind in its natural state. So I want you to chemically alter yours. Don't worry. This little pill will give you self-respect, confidence, happiness, self-control, and take all your problems away."

-Do you spend years analyzing the childhood?

Your problems occur in the here and now. Counselors who focus on the past are not equipped to help you deal with the present.

-Do you have an excellent long-term romantic relationship?

Some people might think this question is biased. It's not. It's common sense. Sex addiction is a symptom of problems with intimacy. A good sex addiction counselor should have his or her own long-term, monogamous, honest, romantic relationship.

Let me put it to you this way: If a sex addiction counselor is not in a wonderful relationship, ask yourself this question: What does the counselor do for sex? One night stands? Masturbation and pornography? Is s/he celibate? Does the counselor go from one failed relationship to another?

When you seek help for a sexual problem, you are entrusting your most personal feelings to that advisor. Make sure they themselves have achieved what you're striving for. Nothing less will do.

-Do you use pornography or engage in any form of sexually addictive behavior?

There are sex addiction counselors who use porn on a regular basis. They do not believe that they have a problem. Hopefully you realize these people are fooling themselves. Don't let them fool you. Make sure you ask this question.

These questions are not easy. They're not supposed to be. They're designed to protect you. A good sex addiction counselor will welcome them.

Overcoming sex addiction begins with honesty. If you honestly believe these questions make sense and will help you, then it's in your best interest to ask them.

To save you time and me from being swamped with faxes, I will give you my answers to the nine questions.

-Have you overcome a sexual addiction?

Yes, in 1982, with the same approach I teach all my clients.

-Do you think I am sexually addicted?

The interviews in the Table of Contents will enable you to come to that decision yourself.

-Do you provide marriage/couple counseling?

Dear Joe,

I was at the end of my rope struggling between a man that I loved dearly and his addiction that I didn't understand, but more importantly could not help him with.

I thought the only way out was divorce, as he had tried many times to control it but just couldn't, even though he had tried medical professionals, support groups, and the 12-step program.

One night, after a binge, he discovered your web-site. He placed a call to you and we began to get our lives back together. I must say that I was skeptical at first but had no other alternatives that I could offer. So we began our journey.

Less than one year later we are closer than ever and have you to thank. I feel that I now have my husband for the first time since we were married 12 years ago.

We will forever be in debt to you and words can not express how grateful we are for your help.

Sue

(Real name withheld)

Helping people take a troubled relationship and turn it into a healthy, loving marriage is one of the greatest pleasures of my work.

-Do you successfully help people overcome other addictions?

Dear Joe,

Your counseling saved my life. As you well know, when I first started working with you, my life was a shambles. I was depressed and suicidal. My fiancee had left me because of my multiple addictions and my inability to cope with my feelings, especially my anger. I was also close to financial ruin and on the verge of losing my job.

You patiently and methodically helped me to put my broken life back together, piece by piece. I got out of thousands of dollars of credit card debt. I was able to hang onto my job and even win a modest increase in salary. More importantly, I successfully overcame my out-of-control spending, marijuana, nicotine and junk-food addictions.

And I am now happy to report that I am taking steps to pursue a healthy romantic relationship.

Joe, I can't thank you enough for all your help.

Walter

(Real name withheld)

Yes. I started out helping people overcome smoking, alcohol, drugs, and overeating. I have also helped people stop gambling, compulsive spending, and overworking.

-Do you recommend that I also attend Twelve Step meetings?

No. I believe the best way to overcome addiction is by relying on yourself.

-Why don't you recommend psychological medications?

Chemically altering your mind through psychological medication smothers feelings and can turn you into a legalized drug addict. Addiction is overcome by facing feelings, not chemically smothering them.

-Do you spend years analyzing the childhood?

The problem is in the here and now. The goal is to help you overcome addiction today, not figure out your past.

-Do you have an excellent long-term romantic relationship?

My wife and I have been together since 1977. We have a wonderful marriage. When I discovered I was sexually addicted, I told her. She didn't have to ask. As soon as I knew, she knew. I asked her to stay with me until I could overcome it.

One reason I have been able to help so many people is that I came out of my struggle successfully and happily.

-Do you use pornography or engage in any form of sexually addictive behavior?

No way. Being in control and having the joys of monogamous, committed, loving sex are much too important to me.

Menu: Home | The Most Personal Addiction | Sex Addiction Help | Porn Addiction | Masturbation Issues | Infidelity | For The Partner | Contact | Survey

Articles in this category

For The Man In A Relationship Troubled By Sex Addiction | Is He Sexually Addicted | Did you lose a good relationship or never have one? | The Key To Mental Health and Overcoming Sex Addiction | You Have What It Takes To Stop Sex Addiction | Stop Sex Addiction Here and Now Naturally | Rely On Yourself To Stop Sexual Addiction | Work With The Mind To Stop Sex Addiction | How To Be In Control Of A Sexual Addiction | How To Find Competent Help To Overcome Sex Addiction | Sexual Addiction - Why People Become Addicted | Sexual Addiction - Misconceptions To Avoid | Sexual Addiction and The Symptoms of Addiction | Why Sexual Addiction Is A Unique Addiction | How I Overcame Sex Addiction |

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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Snail Mail: Positive Realism 9732 Pyramid Way #327 Sparks, NV 89441

Please note:
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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher, except that portions may be used in broadcast or printed commentary or review when fully attributed to the author and publication by names.
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The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the publisher and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.
This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.