For The Partner

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Is He Sexually Addicted

Chapter 2

What every woman involved with a man needs to know about sex addiction.

If you suspect, are not sure, or know that the man in your life is sexually addicted, you're probably wondering, "What can I do about it? How can I talk to him? What are the problems to expect? Can they be overcome? Should I leave him? Should I give him one more chance?"

This interview, written by a happily married man who overcame his own sex addiction in 1982, is designed to help you understand what you are going through and why you are going through it. It will answer the questions posed above and more.

- Do you feel emotionally neglected?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

Emotional neglect is a strong, strong indicator of sex addiction.

Here are some realistic signs of emotional neglect:

- Your partner doesn't take an interest in your life. If you don't volunteer what's going on, he doesn't ask. Or if you talk about yourself, he doesn't listen or doesn't seem to care.

- He doesn't involve you in his life. He doesn't share important thoughts or feelings with you.

- He tells you facts only, without emotional comment.

- Emotionally, you're in a roommate situation. He knows you're there. He's polite. He's considerate. And that's about it.

- You can share deeper feelings with a friend than you can with him.

- You want him to be your best friend. There was a time you felt that way about him. He's changed since then. He's not as close. The friendship is still there. But the deep interest, the feeling of sharing life together is gone or disappearing.

Emotional neglect occurs because he is emotionally involved in a sexual bond with fantasy through sex addiction. Sometimes the involvement with sex addiction can be greater than the involvement with the partner. Other times, the involvement with the partner is greater, but he is torn between her and his sex addiction. It will feel to her as if she is competing with his addiction.

- Do you experience sexual neglect?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

Signs of sexual neglect are:

- Very infrequent sex.

- No sex at all for long periods of time.

- Impersonal sex. It's just something he goes through with you and gets it over as soon as possible.

- You need to initiate the sex. If you don't initiate it, it doesn't happen.

- He doesn't seem to share the experience with you. He's an actor in a role.

- He could be having sex with anyone. You just happen to be available.

Any one of the above signs means there's a problem in your sex life with him.

- Do you find porn in the house or on the computer?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

When you found the porn did he tell you:

- It wasn't his.

- A friend must have left it.

-He doesn't know how it got there.

-It's not his porn; it's your son's porn.

-The plumber left it.

-He admitted he bought the porn magazine or video and said it was only out of curiosity.

-He doesn't know how to use the computer and he wishes he knew how to stop the porn from popping up.

-It's spam and everyone gets porn spam.

-A friend of his planted the porn as a bad joke. Yes, he did go to a porn site, but it was by accident.

The answers you just read are not necessarily lies. They describe actual incidents that happened to clients of mine who did not use porn. However, these cases are extremely rare - most of the time you're being lied to - except for porn spam; it's virtually unavoidable.

Whenever you find porn in the house or on the computer, assume you've stumbled across evidence of a pornography addiction. There's a good chance there's more porn somewhere. It is probably well-hidden. If there isn't more porn in the house, then he may have thrown it away and will probably try to sneak some in later on. He might be using it at work, in the car, at a friend's house. He may have deleted it from the computer, or may have it hidden on the computer.

Unless he is completely honest with you, you are always going to be suspicious of him.

- Have you walked in on your partner masturbating?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

If there is any addiction that is misunderstood, it's masturbation addiction.

Every once in a while, a female client will tell me, "I don't care if he masturbates, I just don't want him using porn to do it." That is a recipe for disaster.

Some men and women are under the impression that a married guy needs to masturbate to release extra sexual tension. Let me give you another interpretation. Most men get sexually addicted. So they have two drives:

- a natural, loving sex drive

- and an addictive one.

When you walked in on him masturbating, you probably walked in on an addictive activity.

-Is your partner eager for you to leave the house?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

Most sexually addicted men in a relationship act out only when they get the opportunity. The less you're home, the more opportunity he has. A few signs of sneaking in sexually addictive behavior are:

-He gets up in the middle of the night to do work, but his boss complains because he never gets his work in on time. He might be getting up in the middle of the night to engage in addictive activity.

-He seems to get nervous just before you leave the house.

-When you come home you feel as if you walked in on something.

-Does he spend long hours at the office?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

Some men are workaholics. In many cases, workaholism and sex addiction go together. It might be neither. He might have responsibilities that require him to spend long hours at the office and there's no hidden agenda.

Here's why it might be sex addiction:

- He doesn't have the opportunity to masturbate or use porn at home, so he uses the office.

- He's having sex with someone else and is using the "Sorry, honey, I have to work late tonight" excuse.

- He likes to stay in the office and get into masturbation/pornography because he doesn't want to deal with issues at home.

- If he spends long hours at the office and he's emotionally distant when he comes home, it's a strong indicator of sex addiction.

- Do you feel like you've become an Internet widow?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

You've most likely been widowed by sex addiction.

- Has he lied to you about his masturbation or use of pornography. Or about sexual interactions with other women?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

- If he's lied to you, he's addicted. And the addiction didn't cause him to lie. If he lied to you it's because he deliberately chose his addiction over having an honest relationship with you.

- Does he keep the finances secret from you?

I talk to many men who cheat on their wives and/or hide a porn addiction. The wife has no idea and will most likely never find out. Some men brag about how well they hide it. How do they get away with it? Answer: The wife does not know what's going on with the finances.

If you suspect infidelity or a porn addiction, demand to see all the credit card statements, all the checks, all the bank statements. Also, question the cash withdrawals. And don't forget to check the phone bills - including his cell phone - for strange calls. If he refuses to be open with you about the finances or the phone bill, he's probably hiding something from you.

- Does he refuse to tell you where he's been?

An open, honest, loving partner has nothing to hide. He's more than glad to tell you where he's been and what he was up to. If he's secretive, assume he's hiding something important from you. Don't stop asking until you find out what it is.

- If you turn him down for sex, will he take no for an answer?

A sign of addiction is the inability to accept an unsatisfied desire. If your partner nags, hounds, complains or whines until you have sex with him, he's sexually addicted. The person who is not sexually addicted is completely capable of accepting "Sorry, I'm tired tonight."

- Does he pressure you to do things you find degrading?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

One of the worst mistakes you can make is trying to please your partner by degrading yourself. Do not do anything sexual you don't want to. Sex is supposed to be loving. A good relationship is characterized by mutual respect. Humiliation is not love. Degradation is not respect.

- Do you feel that something is missing in the relationship, and you don't know what it is?

A sexually addicted person creates an emotional distance between himself and his partner. In most cases, the partner is aware something is missing. For instance:

-You feel that maybe he's having an affair, but you haven't found any signs of it.

-You feel there's something he doesn't like about you, but he won't tell you what it is and you can't figure it out.

-The two of you are friends but not lovers.

-The friendship is gone and the only thing left is occasional sex.

- You used to be able to talk to each other about important things. Now your conversations don't go beyond the mundane.

Some people will tell you that as a marriage ages, it's natural to lose interest in each other. That's nonsense. Talk to people who have really great marriages and they'll tell you that they grow closer every day.

If you feel something's missing, there's a good chance sex addiction is filling the void.

Now let's discuss some questions that might be on your mind.

-If I think my partner is sexually addicted, how do I get him to stop?

You'll need help.

Your best help comes from someone who has been through it himself and - most importantly - knows how to break through your partner's defenses. Whoever you work with also needs to be fully capable of helping *you*. Usually in the beginning stages, overcoming sex addiction is more difficult for the wife/girlfriend than it is for the guy.

What if my partner has made promise after promise to stop and he's never kept his promise? Is there any hope?

Sure, if you work with someone who knows what they're doing. Your partner's failure to stop is most likely a result of his not knowing how to overcome sex addiction. I know that's difficult for you to believe because of all the lies and deception. But it is true. Your partner can stop his sexually addictive behavior.

Let me put it to you this way, my typical client has been lying to his wife throughout most of the marriage. Before he enters counseling, his wife has gotten to a point where she doesn't believe a word he says about his sexually addictive behavior.

-Every promise he's made to stop, he's broken.

The fact is he can stop lying to you. He can keep his promises and his addiction can be overcome.

 

Dear Joe,

The last time I talked to you, I didn't realize it would be THE last time. You truly changed our lives and the lives of [three children's names omitted]. Our friends marvel and want to know about you. You should see the look on their face when I say I've never met you face-to-face!!

When I think of where we were a year ago, I can't believe it. I told "Greg" (real name withheld) the other day, I feel like I'm the one living in the fantasy world because everything is going so well, and we're closer than we've ever been. I now know Greg is truly committed to this relationship. He has thanked me many times over for staying with him.

I think the honesty in the relationship is incredible. 

Another incredible thing is that Greg just doesn't get angry over much, if anything, any more. He was making an electrical repair the other day which turned out to be challenging. I was holding the flashlight, but the minute he didn't need me, I was out of there still fearing he might explode. It didn't happen, and a few hours later, we had a good laugh about my "panic exit".

Needless to say, our sex life is as wonderful as you promised it would turn out to be.

I'll always remember getting your live voice the first time I called in desperation. With tears in my eyes and all the gratitude in my heart, I thank you for finding that perfect mix of caring and toughness that we needed. 

Best to you always,

"Florence"

(Real name withheld)

 


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Articles in this category

How To Talk To A Sexually Addicted Partner | What You Need To Know About Co-dependency | The Letter To A Partner | Someone Close To You Is Addicted To Sex |

In the Most Personal Addiction

For The Man In A Relationship Troubled By Sex Addiction | Is He Sexually Addicted | Did you lose a good relationship or never have one? | The Key To Mental Health and Overcoming Sex Addiction | You Have What It Takes To Stop Sex Addiction | Stop Sex Addiction Here and Now Naturally | Rely On Yourself To Stop Sexual Addiction | Work With The Mind To Stop Sex Addiction | How To Be In Control Of A Sexual Addiction | How To Find Competent Help To Overcome Sex Addiction | Sexual Addiction - Why People Become Addicted | Sexual Addiction - Misconceptions To Avoid | Sexual Addiction and The Symptoms of Addiction | Why Sexual Addiction Is A Unique Addiction | How I Overcame Sex Addiction |

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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Monday thru Friday 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Pacific Time Ask for Joe Zychik

Snail Mail: Positive Realism 9732 Pyramid Way #327 Sparks, NV 89441

Please note:
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(International callers' FAQ click here)

 

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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
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This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.