Help For Sex Addiction

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Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1

Conventional, licensed therapy will tell you that in order to overcome sexual addiction, you have to remember how horrible your childhood was and figure out what happened to you then that causes you to act sexually addictive now. However, you are not a child, you are an adult; sex addiction is an adult problem

The 12-step program says that you have to go to meetings, maybe for the rest of your life, and turn yourself over to a Higher Power. Twelve-steppers do not believe that they are capable of stopping their addictive behavior on their own. They believe the Higher Power must step in and do it for them.

The fact of the matter is overcoming sex addiction requires two components. You are capable of applying them yourself and you don't need to relive your childhood to apply them.

The first and the most important is motivation. We'll define motivation as "why you want to stop."

The second is method. Method is "how you stop."

The twelve step program develops motivation through group pressure. You are required to stand up in front of the group, confess your addictive past and then promise the group that you're going to stop.

But effective motivation comes from within. If it's properly developed, you don't need a group or a counselor to pressure you into stopping. Everything in The Most Personal Addiction is based on motivation without pressure. 

One of the signs of a lousy counselor is s/he tries to pressure you into stopping. Here are a few examples:

"You really should stop."

"How do you think your wife feels?"

"Aren't you disgusted with yourself?"

"When are you going to do something good for yourself?"

"Your family deserves better."

"Let's set up a stop date and I want you to promise me that you will keep it."

"If you really wanted to stop, you would."

"Promise me that you won't do it for a week."

Here's what's wrong with these statements:

They humiliate the client by subtly calling him a disgusting person who doesn't love his wife or family.

They put the counselor into a dominant position by requiring the client to make a promise to stop.

A good counselor never asks the client for a promise to stop. He helps the client develop motivation that is so powerful the client can't wait to get the opportunity to stop. A good counselor doesn't need to or want to pressure a client into stopping.

Motivational problems don't arise just between counselor and client. They can also occur without any outside influence. For instance, the client might feel:

"I've got to stop. The addiction is destroying me."

"I want to be like everyone else."

"I hate myself."

"No one would ever want to be with me if they knew about my problem."

"I'm weak."

"I'm a freak."

These motivations are ineffective because they are negative.

Overcoming sexual addiction requires positive motivation. For instance:

"I hate myself" is negative. "I want to respect myself" is positive.

The negative statement "I'm weak" is not nearly as effective as "I want to become stronger."

"No one would ever want me if they knew about my problem," should be replaced by, "I have a lot to offer, and if I overcome my problem, I'll have even more to offer."

"I want to be like everyone else" is a big mistake because every person is unique. A better way of putting this is, "I want to fulfill my potential."

"This addiction is destroying me" doesn't provide a reward. "I want to improve my life" offers incentive.

Effective motivation can be summed up in two sentences:

1- Outside pressure is counter-productive.

2- The best motivation is based on a positive outlook and comes from within.

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Articles in this category

Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1 | Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2 | The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Best Sex And Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Joy Of Overcoming Sex Addiction | An Overview of Sex Addiction | The Complexities of Sexual Addiction | Types of sex addiction | Sexual Addiction and Self Deception | Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues | A Definition of Sex Addiction | Why Positive Realism Succeeds | Ethical Standards Of Counseling | Errors In The 12-Step Approach | Celibacy Is A Mistake |

 

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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Snail Mail: Positive Realism 9732 Pyramid Way #327 Sparks, NV 89441

Please note:
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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher, except that portions may be used in broadcast or printed commentary or review when fully attributed to the author and publication by names.
Although all events described in the book are factual, the actual characters described herein are composites of actual clients of the author. The composite character has been created and designed to protect the actual client's identity. Any similarity to a single individual, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the publisher and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.
This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.