Help For Sex Addiction

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Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2

If a porn addict gouged his eyes out, would it end his sex addiction? No. Because sex addiction is driven by underlying emotions. The porn addict would simply create fantasies in his head to satisfy the emotions that cause the sexual addiction interest.

This example illustrates that to overcome sex addiction, don't try just anything. In the first part of this series I explained that there are two components to overcoming sex addiction. Motivation, the first component, addresses why you would want to overcome the addiction. The second component is method, how you would attempt to overcome it.

Motivation without method leads to a misdirected, sincere attempt that fails. Method without motivation results in an organized attempt that has no reason to succeed.

Conventional, licensed therapy uses gimmicks for its method.

Clients are advised to cut their subscription to cable TV, stop using the Internet, buy porn blocking software, etc. Any of these gimmicks can be outsmarted.

You can cut your subscription to cable TV, but you can't close down all the xxx movie houses. Mrs. Jones can block access to the Internet or put porn blocking software on the computer at home. But she can't shut off the Internet at her husband's place of work. Nor will she find the extra laptop he has hidden with a wireless Internet subscription.

Conventional, licensed therapy's gimmicks fail because in the long run no artificial barrier can stop a person from acting sexually addictive.

The Twelve Step program relies on some of conventional, licensed therapy's gimmicks and requires the person to attend meetings, turn him or herself over to a Higher Power, and get a sponsor. Essentially, the 12-step program requires you to give up relying on yourself.

You go to years of meetings and make public confessions with very little to show for it. Attend a twelve step meeting and you will see people who have been going to meetings for years and are still acting sexually addictive. Why? Because:

12-steppers expect a higher power to do it for them.

Here are the guidelines for an effective method to overcoming sexual addiction:

The approach must not rely on any outside gimmicks. The method must address the underlying feelings that drive the addiction. An attempt to stop that is based on a gimmick will eventually fail because the underlying feelings will re-emerge. When they re-emerge, the addicted person will find a way to outsmart the gimmick.

The approach must teach you to rely on yourself. Group therapy cannot help you overcome sex addiction because the group is not a part of your sex life. Only you are responsible for your sex life. You need an approach which recognizes that overcoming sex addiction is ultimately an individual effort.

Beware of any approach that promises immediate success, like "Overcome sex addiction in six weeks." These approaches are based on gimmicks designed to repress sexually addictive desires. As soon as the novelty of the gimmick wears off, the repressed sexually addictive desires return. You'll have no way of dealing with them because repression is not a long-term solution.

Instead of repression, look for an approach that teaches you 1) how to experience your addictive desires and 2) how to choose whether or not to act on them - by relying on yourself for your own choices.

The person who represses his sexually addictive desires lives in fear of the day they will return. If you learn how to face your addictive desires, you won't have to fear them.

Look for an approach that focuses on the long run. Experiencing the addictive desire rather than repressing it gives you the best chance for the long run because it teaches you how to face your problem rather than bury it. Sexual conflicts don't stay buried. They are either resolved or acted on.

By learning how to choose whether or not to act on the addictive desire your long term chances of success are improved because you don't have to rely on anyone else but you. You don't need a crutch because you have something more effective than a crutch. You have the ability to face your own feelings and make the choice necessary to overcome your addiction.

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Articles in this category

Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1 | Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2 | The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Best Sex And Overcoming Sex Addiction | The Joy Of Overcoming Sex Addiction | An Overview of Sex Addiction | The Complexities of Sexual Addiction | Types of sex addiction | Sexual Addiction and Self Deception | Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues | A Definition of Sex Addiction | Why Positive Realism Succeeds | Ethical Standards Of Counseling | Errors In The 12-Step Approach | Celibacy Is A Mistake |

 

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher, except that portions may be used in broadcast or printed commentary or review when fully attributed to the author and publication by names.
Although all events described in the book are factual, the actual characters described herein are composites of actual clients of the author. The composite character has been created and designed to protect the actual client's identity. Any similarity to a single individual, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the publisher and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.
This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.