Motivation and Method, Part 2

If a porn addict gouged his eyes out, would it end his sex addiction? No. Because sex addiction is driven by underlying emotions. The porn addict would simply create fantasies in his head to satisfy the emotions that cause the sexual addiction interest.

This example illustrates that to overcome sex addiction, don't try just anything. In the first part of this series I explained that there are two components to overcoming sex addiction. Motivation, the first component, addresses why you would want to overcome the addiction. The second component is method, how you would attempt to overcome it.

Motivation without method leads to a misdirected, sincere attempt that fails. Method without motivation results in an organized attempt that has no reason to succeed.

Conventional, licensed therapy uses gimmicks for its method.

Clients are advised to cut their subscription to cable TV, stop using the Internet, buy porn blocking software, etc. Any of these gimmicks can be outsmarted.

You can cut your subscription to cable TV, but you can't close down all the xxx movie houses. Mrs. Jones can block access to the Internet or put porn blocking software on the computer at home. But she can't shut off the Internet at her husband's place of work. Nor will she find the extra laptop he has hidden with a wireless Internet subscription.

Conventional, licensed therapy's gimmicks fail because in the long run no artificial barrier can stop a person from acting sexually addictive.

The Twelve Step program relies on some of conventional, licensed therapy's gimmicks and requires the person to attend meetings, turn him or herself over to a Higher Power, and get a sponsor. Essentially, the 12-step program requires you to give up relying on yourself.

You go to years of meetings and make public confessions with very little to show for it. Attend a twelve step meeting and you will see people who have been going to meetings for years and are still acting sexually addictive. Why? Because:

12-steppers expect a higher power to do it for them.

Here are the guidelines for an effective method to overcoming sexual addiction:

1. The approach must not rely on any outside gimmicks. The method must address the underlying feelings that drive the addiction. An attempt to stop that is based on a gimmick will eventually fail because the underlying feelings will re-emerge. When they re-emerge, the addicted person will find a way to outsmart the gimmick.
   
   
2. The approach must teach you to rely on yourself. Group therapy cannot help you overcome sex addiction because the group is not a part of your sex life. Only you are responsible for your sex life. You need an approach which recognizes that overcoming sex addiction is ultimately an individual effort.
   
   
3. Beware of any approach that promises immediate success, like "Overcome sex addiction in six weeks." These approaches are based on gimmicks designed to repress sexually addictive desires. As soon as the novelty of the gimmick wears off, the repressed sexually addictive desires return. You'll have no way of dealing with them because repression is not a long-term solution.
   
   
4. Instead of repression, look for an approach that teaches you 1) how to experience your addictive desires and 2) how to choose whether or not to act on them - by relying on yourself for your own choices.
   
   The person who represses his sexually addictive desires lives in fear of the day they will return. If you learn how to face your addictive desires, you won't have to fear them.
   
   
5. Look for an approach that focuses on the long run. Experiencing the addictive desire rather than repressing it gives you the best chance for the long run because it teaches you how to face your problem rather than bury it. Sexual conflicts don't stay buried. They are either resolved or acted on.
   
   
6. By learning how to choose whether or not to act on the addictive desire your long term chances of success are improved because you don't have to rely on anyone else but you. You don't need a crutch because you have something more effective than a crutch. You have the ability to face your own feelings and make the choice necessary to overcome your addiction.