Overcoming Pedophilia

An open letter to the pedophile

Pedophilia has certain traits in common with other sexual addictions. Like any other sexual addiction it is guided by rejection and acceptance. For instance, the addicted masturbator, whether or not he is a pedophile, does not have to worry about rejection because there is no risk of rejection when having sex alone. The addicted pornography user cannot be rejected by an inanimate picture. But pedophilia is also different because pedophilia involves a real person.

What attracts the pedophile is the fact that he or she can control a child, thus free him or herself from the threat of rejection.

The pedophile will create child fantasies or adult fantasies during the sex act with the child. The child is usually fantasized as an image of purity and innocence which the pedophile feels he or she must have.

After the act most pedophiles feel shame and disgust. For others, the shame and disgust sets in later. And here pedophilia takes on the characteristic of any other addiction. Because now the pedophile seeks the next addictive thrill to overcome the guilt and shame of the prior one.

There are problems in helping the pedophile which are distinct from counseling other sexually addicted people. Those problems are legal and moral.

In the moral area, the only pedophile who can be helped is the one who acknowledges that what he or she is doing is morally wrong.

Legally, for the pedophile to seek help, he or she must admit crimes of the past to their counselor. This is extremely painful. Because of this many pedophiles enter counseling for other reasons in the hope that the counselor will create an environment in which the pedophile can feel safe enough to speak openly and honestly.

Pedophilia shares a tragic trait with other sexual addictions. The tragedy that undermines all sexual addiction is that most people who are sexually addicted have stopped doing their addiction for some period of time. Then after weeks, months, or in some cases years, they find themselves returning to their addiction.

When the pedophile returns to the addiction, he or she sinks into a pit of hopelessness and doom. At the bottom of it they fatalistically conclude that they are sentenced to a life of pedophilia. They come to believe that because they returned to their addiction, they didn't want to stop in the first place.

What they don't realize is that if they had gotten better advice they probably would be free of their addiction today.

The process of overcoming pedophilia is a parallel challenge. Not only is there the challenge of addiction, there is also the necessity of developing the personality skills so that you can function well in adult relationships.

Can it be done?

No - if you use approaches that have continuously failed to help sexually addicted people, pedophiles especially.

The most common approaches - conventional therapy and 12-step programs - have a consistent track record of failure in the area of sexual addiction.

Conventional therapy fails because it relies on the myth that you are not responsible for your actions. It states that because of some trauma in your past you molest children. But the fact is millions of people have been abused, many worse than you. And they do not become pedophiles.

12-step programs fail because they use an alcohol model to treat sexual addiction. Since alcohol is not an inborn drive, you can cold-turkey alcohol. But if you try to cold-turkey sex you will fail.

To find an approach you can have confidence in you must first find a counselor you can trust. And that brings us to the main problem. How do you know that you can trust me? How do you know that I can actually help you? Answer: you don't.

Overcoming pedophilia like anything else in life entails risk. In order for me to help you, you need to take a risk. The risk is minimal, but it is still a risk. That risk is making a phone call and asking for help.

You've probably never been able to talk to anyone about this. Or the people you have spoken to were empathetic but not very helpful. Or they were condemnatory.

You've wanted help for years. This isn't the first time you've thought about getting it.

You sometimes tell yourself that you can live with your addiction. Other times you tell yourself, "I've got to stop."

You may have considered suicide, you may have attempted it.

The guilt is like a thunderstorm that drenches your mind and feels like it will never end.

The obsession pokes, jabs, kicks and punches at you day and night.

You know that you will never get over the self-hate and the disgust for as long as you continue.

You feel that no one can be trusted.

The list of pains and miseries you experience can go on endlessly. And it will - until you get the help you need.