The greatest fear about dealing with sexual addiction is the fear of failure. The fear of failure influences other addicted people also. Addicted people tend to believe that if they try to overcome their addiction, they won't succeed. Let's discover what causes this kind of gloom in the addicted person's mind.
The fear of failure can paralyze a person's attempt to stop. The fear is understandable. The solution is to develop an approach that works or get help from someone who knows what they're doing.
If you look at it from the addicted person's point of view, feeling trapped by an addiction makes sense. He or she has probably made at least one sincere attempt to stop. They didn't expect to fail. They probably told themselves something like, "I've had it with this addiction. I'm going to beat it!" Despite their best intentions and their determined effort they lost. Throughout the years they noticed that most other people who tried to overcome an addiction lost also.
Millions of people try to overcome their addictions every day. Most of them don't have a chance. Here's two reasons why they will lose:
If they've tried to stop before, they will most likely repeat the mistakes of the past. They most likely won't even realize it.
If they've never tried, they probably think "If you want something bad enough you just have to do it." While it's a nice sentiment, it will take more than sincerity and effort to accomplish their goal. Knowledge of how an addiction is properly overcome is also required. Besides "I'm really determined to do it," most first-timers have no idea about how to correctly approach their addiction.
The first-timer and the person who has failed continuously can increase their chances of success by following these three guidelines:
Knowledge: You can attempt to gain the knowledge on your own. It will take longer on your own and be much more difficult than if you have a competent guide. However, you are better off on your own than working with an incompetent.
Honesty: Whether you're working alone or with an advisor, honesty is indispensible. It is through honesty that you understand the attachment you have to your addiction. Honesty is the window into your mind. It enables you to see how your own mind is put together and what changes you need to make.
Hard work: Overcoming an addiction is difficult. If you sit back and wait for someone to cast a magic spell over you, you will fail. Success requires continuous and determined effort.
A sex addiction counselor must be willing to accept the responsibility for his/her failures. Most counselors blame the client for the counselor's mistakes. A good counselor will look at his/her failures and ask themselves, "What mistakes did I make?" Even if the client lied to the counselor and refused to apply the counselor's advice, a good counselor will ask him/herself, "How could I have helped that person?"
Most addiction counselors will tell you that people don't overcome addictions because clients don't work hard enough and they're not honest with their counselor. There is another interpretation. From what I've observed, most people who seek help are willing to be honest with their advisor and work hard at overcoming their addiction.
In my opinion, most failures in overcoming addiction are due to poor advice. The Most Personal Addiction, The Advisories, and The Home Page Topics offer advice that has been successfully used to overcome addictions since 1975 and to overcome sex addiction since 1983.
If you find the right advisor, and you are honest with your advisor and you work hard, your chances of overcoming your addiction are excellent.
You are not doomed to fail, even if every attempt you've ever made to stop has not succeeded. Before you make your next attempt to overcome your addiction, look for an advisor you can trust and who knows what they're doing.
Look for the following qualifications:If the counselor hasn't walked in your shoes, the risk of failure is high because sex addiction is the most personal addiction.
They must have overcome sex addiction. Don't even talk to someone who has not overcome sexual addiction. If they haven't been there, they are not qualified, period.
Check out their approach. Make sure you are comfortable with it. If it doesn't make sense to you, look for someone else.
Require at least 10 years experience of successful couples counseling. Sex addiction is not like alcohol. When it comes to alcohol it doesn't matter if your advisor is incapable of a relationship. If he or she knows what they're doing, they can help you. Sex is about intimacy. You cannot overcome sex addiction without addressing relationship issues.
If they want you to spend years analyzing your childhood, or put you on medication, or send you to Twelve Step meetings, be careful. The Twelve Step program is an alcohol program; it was not designed for sex addiction. Psychological medication will not solve intimacy problems. Sex addiction is not a parent-child problem. It is an adult problem which requires an adult focus.
Make sure they understand you as an individual. Some organizations offer you a program or a course. Sex addiction is not an academic problem. You need someone who can understand your unique way of thinking, feeling and acting.
Finally: don't stop looking until you find the right person to help you.
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