Stop Infidelity

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The Infidelity Interview

The other interviews on this website are designed to help a person discover if he is or is not addicted. This interview is different because you already know if you are cheating on your partner. The purpose of this interview is to help you begin the process of overcoming infidelity. Once you've made up your mind to act ethically, infidelity can be overcome immediately through ethical choices.
Many people don't overcome infidelity because:

- They try to repress their sexually addictive feelings rather than face them.

- They believe infidelity is a disease.

- They believe a Higher Power will overcome it for them.

- They believe medication is the answer to their lack of ethics. Their beliefs are mistaken.

The best way to overcome infidelity is through ethics without repression. So let's start working on your ethics by using this interview.


1. Do you believe that you love your partner and you would never do anything to hurt her?
Yes No

In order to cheat on your partner, you lie. If you believe that you would never do anything to hurt your partner, you've become very good at lying to yourself.

Infidelity hurts the relationship even if your partner doesn't know about your cheating. It hurts because you are not fully committed to the relationship. You remove sexual and emotional energy from your relationship and waste it on strangers. As a result, the relationship suffers. For instance:

-You create tension because you live in fear that your partner will find out.
-You hesitate to express deep feelings because you are afraid that they might lead you to say something that will expose your infidelities.
-You limit the time you and your partner have together so that you can indulge your infidelities.
-You might be antagonistic to your partner because you're afraid that your partner knows.
-You might be cold to your partner because you're afraid that if your partner gets too close, she'll know something is wrong.
-You feel guilty and depressed. Your guilt and depression negatively impacts the relationship.
-You feel ashamed. Your shame negatively impacts the relationship. If you want to overcome infidelity, you need to realize:
-You don't love your partner as much as you say you do. If you loved her as much as you say, you would be faithful to her.

Cheating hurts every relationship.

2. Some people say, "The only woman I love is my wife. I didn't care about the woman I had sex with, so it wasn't cheating." Others say, "We didn't go all the way. So I wasn't unfaithful." Do you agree with them?
Yes No

Cheaters live in guilt. So they come up with rationalizations like:

- I didn't really care about the woman I had sex with, so it's not really cheating.

- If you pay for it, it doesn't count because it's just a business thing.

- We played around but we didn't go all the way, so it doesn't matter.

- I would never have intercourse with anyone but my wife. If I play around from time to time that doesn't make me unfaithful because I never let it go too far.

- My friend X is with a different woman every night. His wife is an alcoholic; she doesn't know what's happening. I only do it once or twice a year. He's the one with a problem. I just like to get a little recreation now and then.

You can rationalize any unethical behavior. But you can't escape your guilt. The more you rationalize, the more likely you are to act unethically. Be honest with yourself. Take a good close look and you will see that you live a hidden, shame-ridden life. If you want to overcome infidelity, if you want to free yourself of the guilt and shame you live with, stop lying to yourself.

3. Do you feel that if your partner treated you better you wouldn't cheat on her?
Yes No

We live in a time when holding someone responsible for his or her actions is considered judgmental, barbaric, simplistic and unfair.
One reason the Twelve Step Program and conventional, licensed therapy are so popular is they tell people, "It's not your fault. You have a disease. You have a chemical imbalance. Your mommy and daddy didn't give you enough love. The environment made you do it."

The cheater's version of this racket is, "My wife made me do it." No matter what troubles you have in your marriage, there are men and women in marriages as bad or worse than yours - and they do not cheat on their partner. Cheating is a choice. No one is responsible for your choices but you. Your partner didn't make you do it.

4. Do you believe that it’s normal for men to cheat on their wives?
Yes No

Every once in a while I come across a study that draws the absurd conclusion that men are driven by hormones to cheat on their wives. If you take the study to its logical conclusion, it means that your ethics are determined by your hormones.

If hormones determine ethics, how do these studies explain the men who cheated on their wives, learned their lesson, and stopped cheating? After all, their hormones didn't change. What enabled these men to stop cheating? The answer is: an ethical decision to live an honest life.

And what about the men who were born with the same hormones and don't cheat on their wives? The study conveniently leaves those men out.
Your hormones didn't make you become a cheat and a liar. You are completely capable of remaining faithful to your partner, if you decide to live an honest life.

5. Which do you think is more likely to cause you to cheat on your partner:

    1- the desire to have sex with another person or
    2- the decision to lie to your partner about it.
If you picked 2, you are correct.

Let me tell you a true story. It's about a man who was given advice from professionals who really knew their business. He had become addicted to prostitutes. And each time he went to them, he regretted it. The prostitutes liked him because he was gentle and treated them courteously. One day he asked the girls, "How do I stop? I can't stand what I'm doing to our marriage."
The girls gave him great advice. They said, "Tell your wife."
The girls knew that if he told his wife, then he would have to make a choice between them or her. They figured he would choose his wife.
Rather than tell his wife, he called me.

His wife had no idea about his cheating. I worked with him for a few months, getting him to the point where he could tell her. I also taught him how to help his wife once he told her. It was a terrible shock for her. Because of what he had learned in counseling, he was able to help her through it. The next day the three of us spoke and eventually the relationship healed. I don't consider the story unusual. Helping people heal their relationships is an everyday occurrence in my practice.

I tell you this story as a demonstration of the fact that once you decide to live an honest life, you have an excellent chance of ending your infidelities.

 

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Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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