Overcome Pornography Addiction

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The Intimacy Factor and Sex Addiction

The sexually addicted person doesn't use sex just to escape reality. He also uses sex as a shallow, fantasy based substitute for genuine intimacy. It is what I call, "the flight from intimacy."

The flight from intimacy is more difficult to deal with — and must be addressed first — because it creates the emotional attachment to sex addiction.

The flight from intimacy is not a rejection of the partner, although it will feel that way to her. The flight from intimacy into sex addiction is similar to using alcohol to escape. The alcoholic does not reject his/her partner. The alcoholic flees life.

Most people who stop on their own, or through conventional, licensed therapy, or the 12-step program return to sex addiction. One reason for the return is that the emotional attachment to sex addiction had not been overcome. When they stopped, they felt like they lost a sexual pleasure they could not live without. The sexual pleasure they felt they could not live without was an illusion they could have lived without happily. But because their flight from intimacy had not been addressed, they could not break the emotional attachment to their sex addiction.

I call sex addiction "The Most Personal Addiction" because no addiction involves as many intense personal feelings as sex addiction does. One does not create fantasies about booze. Overeating does not cause sexual arousal. Drug addiction does not act as a substitute, fantasy based sexual partner. Only sex addiction creates an emotional attachment so strong it can become an alternate, illusionary relationship.

Sometimes the partner of a sexually addicted person will ask me, "Is it me? Am I not enough for him?" I tell her, "He's fleeing intimacy. He was fleeing it before he met you. He'd flee from it no matter who he was with. Once he's guided out of his attachment to fantasy and taught how to stop correctly, he'll have a good chance of long-term success. Don't blame yourself for his actions."

The flight from intimacy is not based on what happened decades ago in childhood. Spending years exploring the childhood wastes precious time and energy because sex is an adult experience based on feelings and needs that occur only in the adult part of life. Long term success in overcoming sex addiction is achieved by changing choices in the here and now. The Most Personal Addiction,  emphasizes focusing on the present because change occurs in the here and now.

Psychological medication cannot overcome the flight from intimacy because psychological medication cannot cause someone to seek intimacy or face reality. At best, psychological medication dulls feelings. Dulled feelings do not motivate someone to seek genuine, loving intimacy and deal with reality.

The flight from intimacy is so strong it interferes with any intimate relationship. In some cases it becomes the person's only form of sexual pleasure. In other cases it becomes the preferred sexual experience.

Not every sexually addicted person prefers sex addiction over genuine, loving sex with their partner. But every sexually addicted person who has not overcome their addiction does suffer the flight from intimacy. One of the great rewards of overcoming sex addiction correctly is an experience of emotional, romantic and sexual intimacy that far surpasses anything sex addiction offers.

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Articles in this category

Pornography Addiction Counseling | Pornography Addiction Insights For Men & Women | Pornography: The Illusion Addiction | A Sex Addiction Interview | The Sex Addiction FAQ | The Intimacy Factor and Sex Addiction | The Escape Factor and Sex Addiction | The Fear Factor and Sex Addiction |

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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The Most Personal Addiction Copyright © 2002-2013 by Joe Zychik,
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher, except that portions may be used in broadcast or printed commentary or review when fully attributed to the author and publication by names.
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This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book.