Help For Sex Addiction

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Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1

Conventional, licensed therapy will tell you that in order to overcome sexual addiction, you have to remember how horrible your childhood was and figure out what happened to you then that causes you to act sexually addictive now. However, you are not a child, you are an adult; sex addiction is an adult problem

The 12-step program says that you have to go to meetings, maybe for the rest of your life, and turn yourself over to a Higher Power. Twelve-steppers do not believe that they are capable of stopping their addictive behavior on their own. They believe the Higher Power must step in and do it for them.

The fact of the matter is overcoming sex addiction requires two components. You are capable of applying them yourself and you don't need to relive your childhood to apply them.

Read more: Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 1

Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2

If a porn addict gouged his eyes out, would it end his sex addiction? No. Because sex addiction is driven by underlying emotions. The porn addict would simply create fantasies in his head to satisfy the emotions that cause the sexual addiction interest.

This example illustrates that to overcome sex addiction, don't try just anything. In the first part of this series I explained that there are two components to overcoming sex addiction. Motivation, the first component, addresses why you would want to overcome the addiction. The second component is method, how you would attempt to overcome it.

Read more: Motivation and Method To Overcome Sex Addiction Part 2

The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sex Addiction

The fear of failure is normal, especially if you've failed before at stopping.

Just about anyone who acts sexually addictive has made some attempt to stop. It might have been only for a day, but they tried - and they failed. If you've tried to overcome sex addiction before and weren't able to, the biggest barrier to your success is believing you cannot succeed.

Let's imagine you wanted to teach a kid how to ride a bike. You've taught lots of kids and you're sure this kid can make it. He doesn't believe he can. He tried to learn before but was not taught correctly. Now he's sick and tired of failing. You know that the only thing holding him back is his belief that he can't do it.

The answer to the fear of failure is to find a successful approach and persist.

Read more: The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sex Addiction

The Best Sex And Overcoming Sex Addiction

"It was the best sex I ever had," the client told me. I was not surprised.

Was it advice about a new position, a new drug, a new game, a new aide that enabled the client to enjoy the best sex of his life? Of course not.

The best sex is caused by what goes on inside you and not from some external gimmick.

So what was it that enabled this client to have dynamite sex like he had never had before? More importantly, what is it that can enable you to experience the greatest sex of your life? This kind of sex is so thrilling you will feel like a new person and you will want to shout, "Give me more!" The beauty of it is you will be able to get more, plenty more.

There is a sad part. The sad part is not that it costs more than you could ever afford. It won't take years of studying a new spirituality. You won't have to leave your home. You won't have to do anything bad to yourself or anyone else. The sad part is that you probably don't think it's possible. That's OK, because most sexually addicted people believe that their sexual addiction is the best sex they can have.

Actually, addictive sex is the least enjoyable form of sex.

Read more: The Best Sex And Overcoming Sex Addiction

The Joy Of Overcoming Sex Addiction

All addictions negatively impact a person's life.

Drugs and alcohol destroy the mind. Smoking destroys the body. Overeating undermines health.

Sexual addiction is different. Although there is a risk of disease, sex addiction does not directly destroy the body like drugs, alcohol, smoking or overeating. Nor does it have the direct effect on the mind that alcohol and drugs do.

Sexual addiction's main damage is done to one's ability to carry on an honest, committed, caring, intimate relationship.

To overcome a sexual addiction, the sexually addicted person needs to ask him/herself, "Do I want a real and loving relationship in my life?"

The desire to have a genuine intimate relationship is the most effective motivation there is to overcoming a sex addiction.

Unfortunately, motivation alone is not enough to overcome an addiction. But it is a good start. The more motivation a person has, the better their chances of overcoming their addiction. So let's look at other motivations:

Read more: The Joy Of Overcoming Sex Addiction

The Complexities of Sexual Addiction

Sex addiction is the most personal addiction. It's also the most complex.

Successfully overcoming any problem begins with knowing what you're dealing with. Certain addictions don't need to be categorized. For instance, some alcoholics prefer wine, others prefer beer, others will drink anything. These activities don't need to be categorized for the alcoholic because there is no addictive difference between beer, wine, hard liquor, or any other form of alcohol.

Sex addiction, unlike alcohol, is diverse. Conventional, licensed therapy and the 12-step program don't distinguish between the different forms of sexual addiction. They use an "every addiction is the same" approach. Someone struggling with a shoe fetish will be given the same 12 steps as someone addicted to pornography. The husband cheating on his wife will be advised to use the same behavior modification techniques as the sexually addicted person who's never had a long-term relationship.

Read more: The Complexities of Sexual Addiction

Sexual Addiction and Self Deception

Self deception is the addict's strongest defense against admitting he's addicted.

Sexual addiction is more deceptive than most other addictions because sexual addiction provides the illusion of pleasure. The pleasure is escapist oriented. When the escape ends, the thrill of the addiction is over and the demands of real life return with a vengeance. Now the sex addict is confronted with the decision to face reality and gain the real pleasures of life or flee back into shallow fantasy. All too often the sex addict decides that sexual addiction is not escape and not an addiction. Some of the rationalizations he uses are:

Read more: Sexual Addiction and Self Deception

Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues

Sexual addiction is not free. Even the person with a porn addiction who gets his porn for free on the Internet pays for his addiction by investing his valuable time and precious effort into fantasy. Everything has a price. Sometimes the loss of money is the least painful price. The toll that sexual addiction takes on a relationship and the emotional isolation it causes cannot be healed by money.

Read more: Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues

A Definition of Sex Addiction

An addiction is behavior a person cannot control that leads to detrimental consequences.

The behavior could be related to substances, such as: alcohol, drugs or food.
Or it could be activity-related, involving, for example: sex, sleep, exercise, or work.
Addictions like smoking, drug abuse or alcoholism must be stopped completely to be overcome.
Other addictions should be controlled rather than stopped. For instance, overeating is handled by controlling one's eating - not by starvation.

Read more: A Definition of Sex Addiction

Why Positive Realism Succeeds

Overcoming any addiction, after you've acknowledged that you're addicted, begins with your approach to the addictive desire. Positive Realism succeeds first because of how it teaches you to deal with:

The Addictive Desire

 There are three approaches to sexual addiction besides Positive Realism. They are:

-12 Step Programs


-Religious Counseling

Each of these approaches has failed in successfully addressing addictive desire. Here's why:

Read more: Why Positive Realism Succeeds

Ethical Standards Of Counseling

Ethical, effective counseling meets these standards:

It makes sense.

It deals with the here and now.

You do not have to go to meetings every day.

You overcome the addiction and get on with your life.

Read more: Ethical Standards Of Counseling

Errors In The 12-Step Approach

Mr. Jones is just waking up. He spent the entire evening drinking alcohol until he fell asleep. He's hung over badly. He tells himself, "I've got the whole weekend to sober up. I'll be OK by Monday morning."

Mr. Smith is just waking up. He spent the entire evening surfing porn sites and masturbating. He wakes up telling himself, "Another wasted evening." He hopes his wife doesn't ask him what project he was working on until the wee hours of the morning.

Can Mr. Jones, the alcoholic, overcome his drinking problem by treating it as a sex addiction? Can Mr. Smith approach his sexual addiction as if were an alcohol problem?

Read more: Errors In The 12-Step Approach

Celibacy Is A Mistake

The most widely used approach to overcoming sex addiction is the 12-step program. A couple entering counseling through the 12-step approach will usually be advised to avoid sex for anywhere between 30 to 90 days. The theory is that the sexually addicted person is having too much sex. To overcome his need for sex, he requires a cooling off period.

A single man will also be told to refrain from all sex for as long as he can.

Conventional, licensed therapy, the other widely used approach, endorses the 12-step approach. Can the 12-step program and conventional, licensed therapy be wrong?

Read more: Celibacy Is A Mistake

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

skype-icon Skype joe.zychik

Monday thru Friday 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Pacific Time Ask for Joe Zychik

Snail Mail: Positive Realism 9732 Pyramid Way #327 Sparks, NV 89441

Please note:
THE BEST WAY TO CONTACT ME IS BY PHONE. I do not answer questions or counsel by e-mail. It is too impersonal. Thank you.

I am not taking in new clients at this time. If you would like to be on a waiting list, please call.

(International callers' FAQ click here)


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The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the author and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.

This book is intended as a guide to understanding sexual addiction and to suggest a method of overcoming it. The advice rendered by the author in this book is based solely on his experiences in over 38 years of personal counseling. The author does not guarantee any certain result to the reader of this book. The author and the publisher shall not be responsible to the reader or any third party for any action or inaction by an individual who attempts to apply the methods set out in the book. The author is not a medical doctor or a licensed therapist and does not pretend to be one. The materials on this website are protected by the author's first amendment right to express his opinions and are not to be taken as medical advice or advice from a licensed therapist.