The Most Personal Addiction

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Stop Sex Addiction Here and Now Naturally

Chapter 6

The popular approaches focus too much on the past.

The three most popular approaches to overcoming addiction are:

  • Twelve Step Programs

  • Conventional Licensed Therapy

  • Religion

I call my approach Volitional Honesty (because it's based on free will and honesty).

The first reason it can help you is:

The answers to any personal problem - not only addiction, but depression, anxiety, guilt, phobias, hallucinations, suicidal feelings, anger, etc. - are in the here and now.

Let's find out why:


Let's assume that you could correctly analyze everything that happened to you from the time you were born until you were eighteen. Besides the fact that it would take you years to do it, there is one big problem as obvious as today's date:

You are not the same person you were as a toddler or a teenager. You are an adult with adult problems and adult aspirations.

You did one of two things with any problem you developed in your childhood:

1 You overcame the problem and it is no longer an issue in your life. There is no need to go into the past and relive a painful problem you corrected, just as it would be ridiculous to constantly recall the pain of a broken back you overcame years ago.

2 You did not overcome the problem and it is still with you today. Since it's still with you today, the facts you need to focus on are in the present. Why go back and live through an agonizing childhood again? Unnecessary suffering makes it harder to overcome sex addiction or any other problem.

From the point of view of sheer practicality, look to the present for your answers because:

-A lousy childhood does not cause you to act sexually addictive today

-If your wife is threatening divorce because of your sexually addictive behavior, she's not angry at you because of your childhood. She's considering divorce because of what you're doing in the present. Telling her that Mommy didn't hug you enough will not save your marriage.

-An uncaring father you haven't lived with in 20 years cannot cause you to use pornography

-An overly critical mother cannot cause you to go on masturbation binges decades after she died.

-Focusing on the past is about as practical as walking back 10 miles to figure out where you picked up the nail that caused your flat tire. Why waste time going over old ground? It's wise to fix a problem in the least painful manner and quickly move on to better things.


Do you remember what you said in the last disagreement you had with your partner? I'll bet your partner remembers it differently.

Memories are notoriously biased. We all use selective memory. If you want to remember pain, that's what you will find. If you want to remember the good times, you'll find them. If you tried to recall everything you experienced as a child, you still wouldn't know if your memory was accurate because there are as many sides to every story as there are people in it. If your father is dead, how will you get his side? If your mother doesn't agree with your version of events, who's right? Will you interview your friends, siblings, neighbors and teachers? How much credibility will you give their side of the story?

Analyzing the here and now is more reliable because:

-You have access to the people involved.

-The data is recent, so you're less likely to forget important facts.

-The data is relevant because it describes you as the person you are today, not the person you were 20, 30, or 40 years ago.

Because of the widespread acceptance of conventional, licensed therapy many people believe, "The way my parents raised me caused me to become a sex addict." This kind of thinking creates victim psychology, anger and depression.

So let's look at these facts:

- Many people whose childhoods were as bad or worse than yours did not get sexually addicted.

- Many people who became sexually addicted had childhoods better than yours.

Consider the following questions and answers about your childhood. Even though you and I have never spoken, my answers are correct.

Question: Did you do everything your parents told you?
Answer: Of course not.

Did you disobey them all the time?

Did you choose what to follow and what to rebel against?

Were there kids who had it tougher than you and came out better than you?

Were there kids who had it better than you and came out worse?
Of course.

You are the result of your own decisions. I am the result of mine. Every human being is a result of his or her own free will choices. We are not victims.

Blaming your parents or society makes your problems worse.

A good example of how bad it can get is Ira. During his initial interview he seemed overly shy. I told him, "I'd like to help you build confidence." He replied, "Yeah, then I'd have the guts to kill some people." He wasn't kidding.

His rage was directed primarily at his co-workers.

I was not the first person he had contacted for help.

His first therapist had focused on his childhood. As a result, Ira's rage issues worsened and so did his sexually addictive behavior.

The next therapist dropped Ira as soon as he started talking about killing people.

The next therapist prescribed medication. Ira stopped that therapy because the medications had caused him either to lose his sex drive or indulge in imaginary killing sprees.

Ira's intended victims reminded him of some supposedly bad person in his childhood.

For instance, he felt that Maurice, a co-worker, had struck him in the face. I asked Ira: "How hard did Maurice hit you?" "Did you get a bruise?" "Why did he hit you?" Most of my work is done over the phone. I never saw Ira; that's why I asked him about bruises, etc.

Ira had not been hit. He had associated Maurice with a kid who had hit him 25 years ago.

I asked Ira, "Do you like feeling that people are hitting you?"

In a surprised tone Ira replied, "No, I don't."

I told him, "Then focus on the present and you won't feel that way."

Teaching someone to overcome a neurotic obsession with the past is much more difficult than just saying, "Focus on the present." It takes months of hard work and it's more than worth it.

Ira was obsessed with the past because he believed that his problems had been caused by his parents and society.

Fortunately there was still some sense of humanity and ethics left in Ira when counseling began, otherwise I would not have been able to help him stop blaming his parents and society for his problems. Once he overcame his victim psychology, his rage was easy to overcome.

Today Ira does not hear his mother in the room scolding him. He does not feel the blows of his father's fists.

His fits of anger are over. His relationship with his wife is healed. His sexual addiction is overcome.

None of this would have been possible had Ira continued to focus on the past and treated himself as a victim.

Whatever your problem, whether it's sexual addiction, alcohol, depression, anxiety, phobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anger, etc., you overcome it by focusing on the present and holding yourself responsible for your actions.

You don't need medication to overcome sex addiction or any other personal problem.

Let's talk about three different people you're probably familiar with. From them we can learn that:

  • Your mind creates its own natural chemicals.

  • You direct the production of those chemicals.

  • You can create a happy, joyous life, naturally.

Let's start with Mr. X.

When he encounters depression, he goes into a room, shuts the lights, crawls under the covers, and listens to the most gruesome music he can find. He thinks of every terrible thing that ever happened to him and every terrible thing he ever did.

He begins to feel suicidal.

Now for Mr. Y.

Maybe he is depressed because he has money problems. Maybe his daughter is dating a guy he doesn't like. Whatever his problems are, even if it's facing the loss of a loved one, he does not hide from them.

He understands that he might not be able to stop his daughter from dating the guy she likes; he might not get the raise he wants; he might not come up with the money he needs; he might never get over his personal loss.

It might take him hours, days or even months to work through his depression, until it lifts. From it, he learns that even if his worst fears come true, he can face them and still find reward in life.

Finally, we come to Mr. A. He goes through something you've probably experienced. I've gone through it and still do at times.

He starts out creating gloom and doom like Mr. X did.

Then he realizes where it will lead him and he changes his perspective. He looks for answers. He finds solutions. He is willing to accept whatever life throws at him. His depression eventually lifts and life becomes rewarding again.

Mr. X crawled into bed and created a dark, horrible world for himself. His suicidal feelings were not caused by a so-called "chemical imbalance." They were a logical, chemical response to his decisions. Had he made better decisions, he'd have experienced healthier and happier chemical responses.

When Mr. Y and Mr. A decided to find solutions to their problems, the mind logically produced feelings of relief and confidence.

Each of these three men caused their own chemical reactions, just as you cause yours and I cause mine.

The mind creates natural chemicals that are far more powerful, rewarding, and longer lasting than anything the pharmaceutical companies can produce.

Through decades of counseling I have helped people who:

  • Suffered the death of a child

  • Experienced devastating financial setbacks

  • Were struck by life-threatening disease or experienced painful, life-long injuries

  • And countless other tragedies.

We never relied on psychological medication.

At times the pain was awful and the grief seemed unending, but ultimately the client prevailed because s/he made choices to face the problems and go on with his/her life.

The illusionary appeal of psychological medication is that it smothers feelings. You don't overcome sex addiction by medically smothering feelings. Let me give you a real-life example:

Homer called me for help with sex addiction. His wife, Teresa, had discovered his sex addiction about five years earlier. After five years of lies and broken promises, she had reached the end of her rope.

They genuinely loved each other. Neither of them wanted a divorce, but the marriage would end if he did not overcome his sex addiction.

Every attempt I made to get through to Homer failed because he was confused about his feelings. The marriage was sinking fast because Teresa had gone years without any sex between them.

I knew Homer was suffering from sexual performance anxiety. It is not an uncommon problem for a sexually addicted person. But every time I discussed it with him, he insisted that was not his problem.

Then, just by chance, I discovered that Homer had been using a popular medication to combat the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

The medication had removed the OCD symptoms, but it had also smothered his other feelings. I asked Teresa if she had noticed changes in him after he began the medication. She said, "I didn't know what to do. The OCD was ruining him and the medication was ruining us."

Homer allowed me to help him break free of the medication. Then I was able to get him in touch with his feelings of sexual performance anxiety and the feelings that drove his OCD.

Then, with the techniques discussed in this book, he stopped the OCD and overcame his sexual addiction.

Teresa and Homer finally enjoyed the loving sex life they had always wanted.

No pill can be as effective at overcoming your problems as you can, naturally.

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Articles in this category

For The Man In A Relationship Troubled By Sex Addiction | Is He Sexually Addicted | Did you lose a good relationship or never have one? | The Key To Mental Health and Overcoming Sex Addiction | You Have What It Takes To Stop Sex Addiction | Stop Sex Addiction Here and Now Naturally | Rely On Yourself To Stop Sexual Addiction | Work With The Mind To Stop Sex Addiction | How To Be In Control Of A Sexual Addiction | How To Find Competent Help To Overcome Sex Addiction | Sexual Addiction - Why People Become Addicted | Sexual Addiction - Misconceptions To Avoid | Sexual Addiction and The Symptoms of Addiction | Why Sexual Addiction Is A Unique Addiction | How I Overcame Sex Addiction |

Contact Info

Dear Joe,

When I first contacted you, I had tried to quit "cold-turkey" many, many times before. After acting out my addiction, I would swear that this was the last time and I'm never going to do this again. But, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I would be back to my addiction within weeks, if not days.

I contacted several people from sex addiction support groups. Every one had the same advice for me: Get into a twelve step program and start attending as many meetings as I possibly could. Well, that simply would not work for me. After I read your book, I called you, and after one conversation, I decided that I wanted you to help me.

Thanks to you, I am now able to have a normal, intimate relationship with my wife. I thought that I had loved her as much as I possibly could. But, during the counseling, I saw that my addiction was actually getting in the way of our relationship. I was indulging in this fantasy world that I had built up around me and I had little intimacy left over for my wife. Needless to say, this was having a negative impact on us not to mention making me feel guilty all of the time. Now, I'm more fully able to express my love for her, both emotionally and physically.

My work has improved as well, as a result of your counseling. I don't spend hours every day trying to appease my addiction. Needless to say, this has greatly increased my productivity at work.

For the first time in my life, I have hope. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the kind of person that I am. I know, at last, that I am being true to myself; that I am being the kind of person that I always knew I was deep inside: a loving, faithful husband. For this, you have my undying gratitude.

Bertram [real name withheld]

If you would like to know more about how sex addiction is overcome, it will be my pleasure to spend a half hour talking to you and advising you about how to overcome your addiction at no charge.Whatever you tell me will stay in confidence. I will not try to make you feel guilty. I will not try to humiliate you. I will try to help you. Even if we never talk again, you will find that the time you and I spend speaking to each other will be beneficial to you.

You're welcome to call me at: 866-414-CONTROL (866-414-2668) 

Call 877-332-2869 if the circuits are busy (International calls: 805-214-1377)

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Monday thru Friday 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Pacific Time Ask for Joe Zychik

Snail Mail: Positive Realism 9732 Pyramid Way #327 Sparks, NV 89441

Please note:
THE BEST WAY TO CONTACT ME IS BY PHONE. I do not answer questions or counsel by e-mail. It is too impersonal. Thank you.

I am not taking in new clients at this time. If you would like to be on a waiting list, please call.

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The statements made in the testimonials set forth in the book are made by individuals who have received personal counseling from the author and are based on the results of that counseling. The individuals were not compensated in any manner for the statements made. The original testimonials are in the possession of the author and may be viewed with the permission of the testifier and the publisher.

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